How To Be So Happy You’ll Leave Your Family

A Rant by Jon on the River

I can rant on twenty million things, but how about that people are unhappy when they don’t need to be. No bullshit. Stop drinking, stop watching so much TV, and go inside. Not inside to watch Netflix, or YouTube like I hypocritically do all the time. Seriously, go inside in the same way you would go inside of house if you saw a massive placard jutting from the front yard that read, ‘A million dollars awaits your name here inside’. Articles, How-To’s, and shit of that nature, I just can’t write. But I can rant and maybe give some tidbits within.

I do consciousness work, I intermittent fast — have been doing this latter since about June of this year — I read, I create Haikus that are so mindblowing people forget to clap or respond to them. But the most important on the list is about how I do consciousness work, because that involves a process of going inside and dealing with my bullshit as if it’s a more valuable solution then taking my giant, stupid fucking finger and pointing at everything around me and blaming it on them! MAN, JUST GOING BACK TO THAT MEMORY OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO PISSED ME OFF JUST NOW!!!

Don’t think I’m coming from the bullshit ‘pull yourself up by your own bootstraps republican argument’, but at the same time, let’s not act like it’s not on the individual to change his own life if he hopes to do anything of significance.

Anyway, being so happy you’ll leave your family means just that. I don’t care if you have one kid or if you have twenty, don’t care if you love or your hate your wife or husband(I mean, if you hate your spouse then wanting to leave your family obviously wouldn’t be so much of a shocker). Real consciousness work like solo meditation retreats, Kriya Yoga, and so many other techniques — you have to pick and choose for yourself by experimentation — can help you reach a point of oneness, a point of ego-purification so complete, so utterly radical, that all things physical cease to matter. I’ve had maybe a five to ten percent glimpse of what this reality might be like and I can assure you it is incredible. Swimming in a pool of warm shit would feel like sweet chocolate under these circumstances. Now, I have a lot more work to do in order to really accomplish something groundbreaking in my own life, but the seven meditation retreats that I’ve done this year, along with the meditation that I’ve been doing on a pretty consistent basis — prior to December 2019 I wasn’t as consistent as I am today — have certainly had an impact.

Though I’m not on some Deepak Chopra level, or on the level of Sadhguru, Eckart Tolle, or so many others, I’d be a fuckin’ liar if I didn’t acknowledge that I’ve developed a substantial nature of not giving a fuck, but not in a way that would cause me to hurt myself or others, but in a ‘you can think whatever you want about me and I forgot you exist before you even began having negative thoughts about me’ type of way.

When I was working a nine to five — the most wonderful experience ever, sike I’m lying, lying, lying, so you know how much the nine to five fucking sucked, I am so fucking lying about that — I could feel the increasing impact of the consciousness work I was doing, how the employees and environment around me was conforming more and more to whatever my unspoken preferences were. Things such as the kind of applicants that came into the business to replace me, the openings my boss unknowingly provided which best set me up to be able to leave, and the overall environment of the workplace itself seeming to rearrange itself around the concept of me wanting to get the fuck out. And understand, this whole process began before I even announced I was leaving. But when I did announce there were still a number of unexpected, helpful surprises that popped up along the way.

Check this out, as well. When you’re doing consciousness work it’s like getting high without having to actually rely on anything in the external work. No liquor, no marijuana, no crack rock with the makeshift crack pipe! Pretty wonderful shit, right! Like Sadhguru when he describes being perpetually-blissed out.

But man. Fuck a nine to five. I don’t usually curse this much in a piece, but seriously, fuck a nine to five. I get having to work one, and if I make a few bad decisions, trust me, I can easily be right back to working one, but let me say it again. Fuck a nine to five. Fuck my old job. Fuck all that shit!

All right, my unnecessarily, excessive stream of curses have reached their limit. I’m not giving a breakdown of the technical aspects of becoming blissful, but I will give one great piece of advice right now. In my opinion, there is literally nothing better a person can do for themselves than to go on a twenty-four solo retreat. Even if you don’t meditate. If you can just turn off your cell phone, avoid TV, and any other kind of media — including any music with lyrics — and let your mind relax like the cool river in my AWESOME new Medium name, man, you’d be set.

Also, I have to eat more. I eat a lot already. But this intermittent fasting has burned the weight off me faster than a Biden voter running into the streets after the 2020 election was called. I have a decent build, but I used to really get at it. Now I just starve myself, sit in the closet all day screaming nonsensically, and worry the hell out of my wife and kids. Kidding! I’m kidding dammit! God, people will believe anything! Heroin contributes greatly to my meditation, by the way! I’m kidding again! My God, what is wrong with you to believe what I just said! Please clap for this because I awkwardly asked in this random fashion!

Hahaha! As you can probably tell I’m feeling pretty good, right now! Not to turn this political, but man. Things are feeling pretty good in this country right now. Anyway, I think I’m going to do more of this ranting thing. I like saying important things without really saying much at all. Or at least being able to use the term ‘rant’ as a method of providing plausible deniability if any of these words come back to bite me in the ass. Out!

Jon on the River



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Jon on the River

Jon on the River

Home of my open journal. I will speak about growth and take you through the heaven and hell that makes up this process