Wonder What It’s Like To Have A Gun
J. Marshall
Sike, no I don’t
But if I did I would imagine the weight when I’m holding it in my palm, whether it’s heavy or light, would imagine its temp, whether cool, or ice cold when my fingers are touching the metal
Is it like a toy or collectible to me?
Does it feel inconsequential like holding pocket lint as an inconsequential homeless person?
Does it feel like holding something neat like a metallic sort of puzzle contraption that you maneuver and strain to detach?
Does it send memories of my childhood coursing through me like when I was playing with some toy my mother or father bought for my birthday or Christmas?
Does it feel cool?
I’m talking like the trendy kind of cool
The kind of cool that mindless sheep would fawn over based on the erratic, wild, quarter of the time genius mind of Mr. Kanye West
Essentially, what I’m asking is if having a gun will make me feel like the man,
Yeah, the motherfuckin’ man,
Yeah, the man that’s considered the man by whatever man, or whatever woman, or source, who cares, as long as I can see it, can see that it’s a lot, and can get the praise of being cool day to day, I wonder if it’s that level of cool
Or is it genuine cool?
Like Obama or Brad Pitt cool
The NodramaObama, unfazed by whatever, or Killing Them Softly
‘Pay Me My Fucking Money’, Brad Pitt, damn, that’s a lot of cool
I…hmm wonder if having a gun will make me feel high and mighty
Like a king!
King’s might not really be a thing today, in terms of actually existing in a mainstream way, but being mighty man
A mighty motherfucking king, what if that’s what holding this piece of chrome feels like?
Interesting!
Because a king can do anything…haha…almost
Must feel pretty good, for at least most of the time…
I wonder if holding a gun feels like…just a little…you know just a little like unease
Haha…
You know, unease at the idea of…well losing it and having it found by, shit a random dog, or skunk…or human…like a tiny human
I mean like a really tiny one like…like a kid
Whoa! That…yeah, man that would cause some unease, I mean, if you just use your imagination you can…never mind
Yo! How about fear! I wonder if holding a gun feels like fear!
Good one, right!
Yeah, a lot you can jam pack into the idea of fear, right?
Fear like the fear accidentally shooting myself, or my wife, or kids or them accidentally shooting themselves or another family member or…hmmm…the fear that my kid gets the gun, takes it to school, and whoa, totally fucks up some other kids day, her parent’s day, by blood affiliation my day, her Mother’s Day, her own day, her own psyche, her own future money, her own future friendships, romance, happiness, peace of mind, and sense of self worth, because she’s wracked with perpetual sense of guilt and confusion that stains the memories of her days of innocence, and she can never ever seem, no matter how fucking hard she tries, to get over it, because the blood of another child is on her hands, on her hands, on her goddamned hands and despite being so young when the incident transpired unfortunately it doesn’t fit quite so easily into the mental folder categorized as the forgettables…
What can evoke fear better than hurting the ones you love?
Yeah, I wonder if a gun might feel like regret
Like a regret I’d feel over buying it, regret over not locking it up, regret over not separating the bullets, regret over not properly hiding it, regret over not considering my wife, my kids, and the long game in terms of the potential holy fucking abyss type of shit show hell that they would all experience because I could never defeat, inside my psyche, the selfishness/fake bravery/maximum protection of family ideals shoved stupidly into my skull like a deaf, blind, half-brained monkey using a drill to perform brain surgery, masquerading as a type of selflessness only reserved for the fuckin’ cave dwelling yogis, the levitating monks, and the modern day Mother Teresa like saints!
Fuck man…
Sigh…
I actually think a gun feels like death
